4

October is a busy time in my family. Between friends and relatives, there are 11 birthdays to be celebrated. But, smack dab in the middle of all that joy is a day marked by sadness and mourning. Today is the 4th anniversary of my sister's death. It was unintentional, but self-inflicted and I'll leave it at that.

I don't talk about her much for various reasons. She was 12 years older than me, and we rarely got along. Long, unhappy story, but true. But when she died, I ached. I'm sad to admit how surprised I was at how hard I took it. I didn't realize that I would feel like a piece of me was missing. And because we never got along for more than a week at a time, I felt guilty for missing her. Dumb, I know.

I missed her for a very different set of reasons than most of my family. I missed who she could have been, if given the chance. I missed her for not being able to see her kids grow up. And today I miss her still. I miss her because I know, regardless of how she felt about me, she loved our family fiercely. And there are a few people who could use her presence... Me included.

Tomorrow we will go back to celebrating the fun of fall, but for now I still miss my sister.